Let's not go to the movies

Some people attract people with money. Some people attract people with luck. I attract people in movie theatres with the need to talk to the screen.

To some degree, I get it. When I'm alone at home watching TV or a movie, I talk back to the characters like they're in the room with me. The key words here are "home" and "alone." (Though "alone" often means "with my roommate.") I don't go out in public with a room full of people who have paid $10 to see something and then act like I'm home in my living room.

Here are some of the memorable asides I've heard the pleasure to overhear at the movies.

The movie: Wanted
The perpetrator: Large man watching the movie alone
The scene: Every time Angelina Jolie came on
The words: A five-syllable “Daaaaaamn, girl.”

The movie: Slumdog Millionaire
The perpetrators: Two senior citizens
The scene: When young Latika is running to get on the train with the brothers.
The words: "Noooooo! Run faster! Grab her hand! Grab her hand!"

The movie: Eat, Pray, Love
The perpetrator: The 30ish woman beside me watching the movie alone
The scene: Any scene where Julia Roberts' character is being whiny. So every scene.
The words: "Girl, you gotta love yourself, first."

The movie: The Other Woman
The perpetrators: Two young women in back row
The first scene: Any funny scene
The words: No words, just a high-pitched shriek before the booming laugh.
The second scene: The one scene where Leslie Mann gets deservedly sad
The words: "She needs some anti-depressants."
The third scene: When the dog licks Leslie Mann's face
The words: "Eww, eww, eww! That tongue went in her mouth!"
The fourth scene: Me getting up and walking to the front section, which I hate, just to get away from them.
The words: [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]

I realize as I look back at these, that none of them were at the theatre in Chinatown, which I’ve stopped going to. I mainly stopped going because of SCREAMING children during very non-child friendly movies. Seriously. A screaming newborn at “Hunger Games” and a 3-year-old at “Gangster Squad,” in which a man is literally torn in half in the first scene. Great parenting, DC!

Maybe I'll just wait for videos to come out on DVD.