Friday, May 2, 2014

Let's not go to the movies

Some people attract people with money. Some people attract people with luck. I attract people in movie theatres with the need to talk to the screen.

To some degree, I get it. When I'm alone at home watching TV or a movie, I talk back to the characters like they're in the room with me. The key words here are "home" and "alone." (Though "alone" often means "with my roommate.") I don't go out in public with a room full of people who have paid $10 to see something and then act like I'm home in my living room.

Here are some of the memorable asides I've heard the pleasure to overhear at the movies.

The movie: Wanted
The perpetrator: Large man watching the movie alone
The scene: Every time Angelina Jolie came on
The words: A five-syllable “Daaaaaamn, girl.”

The movie: Slumdog Millionaire
The perpetrators: Two senior citizens
The scene: When young Latika is running to get on the train with the brothers.
The words: "Noooooo! Run faster! Grab her hand! Grab her hand!"

The movie: Eat, Pray, Love
The perpetrator: The 30ish woman beside me watching the movie alone
The scene: Any scene where Julia Roberts' character is being whiny. So every scene.
The words: "Girl, you gotta love yourself, first."

The movie: The Other Woman
The perpetrators: Two young women in back row
The first scene: Any funny scene
The words: No words, just a high-pitched shriek before the booming laugh.
The second scene: The one scene where Leslie Mann gets deservedly sad
The words: "She needs some anti-depressants."
The third scene: When the dog licks Leslie Mann's face
The words: "Eww, eww, eww! That tongue went in her mouth!"
The fourth scene: Me getting up and walking to the front section, which I hate, just to get away from them.
The words: [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]

I realize as I look back at these, that none of them were at the theatre in Chinatown, which I’ve stopped going to. I mainly stopped going because of SCREAMING children during very non-child friendly movies. Seriously. A screaming newborn at “Hunger Games” and a 3-year-old at “Gangster Squad,” in which a man is literally torn in half in the first scene. Great parenting, DC!

Maybe I'll just wait for videos to come out on DVD.


  1. Love your comment about the woman behind you being 30ish something, seems to me I might have a daughter 30ish something? On a last note knowing you always choose the correct word's is this correct ? I've heard the pleasure to overhear or should it be "I've had the displeasure to overhear" , no big deal

    Love Ya,

    1. That movie was several years ago, way before I was 30.

      And I know, I saw the typo, I just don't feel like fixing it.

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